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that mythical "off" switch...

No I don't think being transgender is a gift. It's caused me grief, pain, embarrassment, stress, doubt and a marriage. I don't think it's a gift anymore than I think being handicapped is a gift. It's something one accepts and adapts to but if you had a chance to get that limb back you might take it. I know that I would have pushed the off button to make it go away today.

Yes I enjoy being Joanna but it feels like a trap. It feels like it's mandatory. If I don't dress I get edgy and the more I dress the more I want to dress. This behavior has me doubting that I am a true transsexual and more of an addicted crossdresser. True I'm not fetishistic but I still feel stuck somehow. I don't want to dress down when I go out; I want to wear a dress and heels. I want to be ultra feminine but also blend in. It works for me but what is my motivation and why does it feel like a drug.

When I first went for gender therapy I subscribed rather knievely thinking that a cure for my tranvestism was possible. Instead I achieved self acceptance but acceptance of what exactly? Of being a man who is addicted to wearing women's clothes? Because if that's what this is all about in the end then I'd just as soon have it all go away.

A few entries ago I wrote about certainty and how some kids just know early and are able to make an adjustment and go on to lead normal lives in their adopted gender roles. But for those of us swimming upstream like salmon, the fight gets really tiresome after the decades of denial and struggle. And all the while, the straightforward answers elude you because there are none. The uniqueness of your journey is your own.

I don't really want to be a transvestite, crossdresser or transsexual but I feel like I am doomed to choose one because there really is no cure. The limb is indeed missing and no such mythical "off" switch exists. Only in my own dreams.

I know this is a very bleak post but it just struck me today how debilitating this condition can make you when you don't have clear direction in your mind. May God allow me such clarity of mind so that I can find my way.

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