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more thoughts on being a woman

I used to work on my physical presentation as a woman because the goal was to get my outing to go well and not need to worry about being read ( as much as is possible given my 6' 1" frame). But the mental aspect was not worked on because I was denying any transgender feelings I was having. I was just a man putting on a dress and at some point a few days later, dropping my female clothes in a dumpster (a practice commonly called purging for those not familiar).

Once everything blew out in my mid 40's and I went to therapy to examine why I couldn't beat this "vice" did I realize there was more to my crossdressing than meets the eye. I was able to explore the early feelings I had as a child through a prism devoid of shame and guilt and more adequately begin to decipher the source of my desire to explore my femininity within the practice of crossdressing. What I had mistaken as fetishistic transvestism was actually more steeped in a deep desire to connect with something in my psyche.

So having this new found ability to analyze without judgement, I am left with the task of determining just how female I feel I am inside after I have spent decades learning to be a man and denying all possible avenues for my feminine side. I recall in high school saying to a colleague that you couldn't pay me enough money to dress up as a woman when deep down I knew the exact opposite was true and would have gladly done it for nothing. That kind of cover up requires practice and effort but in the process the real "you "gets left behind. What would I have done without the social and religious pressure I had to conform to an expected role? I am now in the process of finding out.

It's like unraveling the bandages of a long dead mummy and waiting to see what the corpse looks like underneath. It takes years to get where you are and hopefully not as many to unravel the mystery of your own core. There is still a lot of stigma to remove before I can visualize everything clearly.

Comments

  1. Wow! Reading this I realize how no matter where we are in this world, no matter which culture out of the several diverse existing in this planet, our experiences as gender-variant people are all so similar! So dramatically similar!
    I sometimes wonder if the various religions and cultures despite being opposed with one another on many aspects are not really united when it comes to discrimination against and oppression of trans people or for that matter, in aspects related to gender identity and expression.

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