Skip to main content

and time goes on...

In a few days I will have reached half a century. I have been through a lot of experiences in my life and have learnt much about myself and others and I am still learning. I also have a renewed sense of fascination with the world because I see it from a different perspective now. I see it more for what it is because I have gained some experience and hopefully some wisdom in the process. I have learnt to love myself more and to not feel like I am hopelessly flawed. Yes I have many things to repair in my character but I would like to think I am essentially a good and decent person and I am a child of God. I was made perfect and it was society that messed up that perfection we are all born with.

I suppose we all learn this lesson that society is full of hypocrisy, pretence, jealousy and intolerance and we learn that to fit we come abide by its rules. The consequences of not doing so are paid with rejection and scorn from people who are generally beneath you. And there lies the interesting part in that it is the masses of uneducated and unscrupulous people of the world that are allowed to run it at their own discretion.

So even as my body ages over time, I would not trade the experiences I have amassed for a chance to return to youth if it were offered. Those days were lived and the insecurity and anguish that came with them has also passed. It is because of this experience that I am able to tackle the disphoria I have with more philosophy and patience than I would have thought possible. I am also learning that being alone is not a bad thing and infinitely better than being accompanied by the wrong person.

I will not compromise who I am (even if that means living the rest of my days somewhere between man and woman) and will aim for a balance that allows me to keep my boat steady. Life will throw waves at us and if we know how to ride them we will weather the storm far better.

Life seems to be lived in phases and transitions and I feel like I am in one now. It is a remaking of myself that will permit to figure out what kind of person I will be over the remainder of my life. A lot of my sacred cows and social conventions have been burned at the stake and what is left now is a person who can more clearly see through the layers of baloney that we are forced to deal with as human beings. My father used to say that as he aged he felt better and better and now I really I understand what he meant. If only he were still here now to hear me say it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …